stoof!

ok ok I'm lame and I really suck with teh lj...

things have been mostly going well, I've pretty well lost all my extra love interests, but thats the way life goes.

I have, however, found a new love...my sexy beautiful new Nikon D5000 DSLR :D oooh she's so sleek and sexy, I just want to do vile unwholesome things to her...

sadly I've no good models yet, so all there is is landscapes and the cats.

oh, I've also been drawing more. I'm not back to full speed, but it's getting there. so expect a mix of photography and boobly women on my DA page. thats http://amoryl.deviantart.com/ for those of you who've never looked.

also I've decided I love the San Francisco Bay Area...and all you natives here are FUCKING SPOILED! seriously...NO idea what you've got...I just went outside at 3am without jacket or shoes and it's mid feb...how fucking awesome is that? on a further plus note, the jeep is still here...was in fact some idiot who doesn't know how to drive his own truck, rather than someone trying to steal an old manual transmission wrangler. don't get me wrong, I'm glad no one was stealing my car, but LEARN TO DRIVE YOUR MONSTROSITIES!
  • Current Mood
    sleepy sleepy

long journey...destination reached, mostly

so 4 days of 10+ hours behind the wheel have resulted in arriving in San Fransisco sometime around 8local time last night. today is my rest and decompress day.

it was a good trip, exhausting, but good. St. Louis was ungodly hot. but I did get to see a very dear and loved friend, if even just for a couple minutes. stopped at the last Motel 6 in the universe that lacked internet access..that kinda sucked. stayed in Colorado with a pair of friends, amazingly good food, great company, and lots of geeky geeky conversations. and chilling out in the pool after dinner. honestly wished I could have stayed with em an extra day, but timelines and such. the trip from colorado to Salt Lake City was pretty uneventful. beautiful country, but nothing really noteworthy good or bad happened. the Super 8 in SLC was pretty decent, very updated. and the lady gave me a AAA discount, even though I don't have AAA. so it ended up being only slightly more expensive than the crappy Motel 6 outside of Topeka. and equally cheaper to the super 8 we stayed in outside of nashville. the trip from SLC to SF was mixed. beautiful gorgeous scenery, mixed with absolutely nothing. but GODS it was hot. we'd get a bottle of water or some assorted beverage, and it was hot within 10minutes, it was lukewarm within about 3-5. I eventually broke down and picked up a styrofoam cooler and tossed everything into that. it might have been smart to have done that in the first place, but hey...live and learn. dindn't end up being nearly the hassle it was suspected to have been.

so...2400 miles in 4 days, I'm taking a day off.

after that it's time to find a place to live, fly back to chicago, get everything loaded up, and fly back with the cats

Great Expectations

so...come saturday I'll be hitting the road once more. off to foggy (only sometimes) San Fransisco. and a fresh start on life, or so I hope.

because LORD I need it.

some of you know, and some of you don't, but the past month or so, actually somewhat longer than that, but the past month in particular have been rough on me. indeed it was about as bad a time as I've had in at LEAST a decade. everything was battering my defenses, my shields were down, and I was taking on water rapidly (ok ok I'm mixing metaphors...so sue me) honestly I, and several people close to me, were growing quite concerned for me. I seriously wasn't sure I was going to pull through this time.

this may be a bit personal to some of you, but hey it's MY journal and one can cease reading at will...

I've never really had what one would call a rugged self image. through VERY personal issues in my past that I shall NOT get into in detail here, well..suffice to say there's a voice in my subconcious that would dearly love to douse my soul with napalm just to watch it burn. I don't know how much of this voice is directly responsible for quite a few actions in my life that directly lead to it being given an ocean tanker sized batch of pure grade A napalm and a huge box of lite-anywhere campfire matches,or how much it's just bad luck, bad taste, or whatever, but for the most part I keep him mostly chained up where he merely tickles my paranoia nerve and leaves me in a general miasma of minor low self esteem.

quite a number of events happened recently, events that individually would have had little enough effect on me, but taken cumulatively, and with several months of progressive wear on the defenses I have against the voice resulted in, for...about a week now, the complete freedom of the voice who gleefully, sadistically, and very very creatively, wreaked havoc on my psyche. and did so in ways that I'm sure are against the Geneva Conventions.

I realize the little voice is me, I realize that people are crueler to themselves than they could ever be to another. I also know that I am VERY creative in the realm of inspiring self loathing.

this past weekend was a rough time for me. and I know I handled it poorly. the other party involved had much on her plate that I didn't fully realize the scope of it. yes I understood some of it (though not as much as was believed) but I didn't realize how rough it actually was. maybe another time I would have, but hindsight is always 20/20. all I knew was that it wasn't going well. and that voice in my head latched onto it like a starving lion on a weakened wildebeast and wasn't letting go for anything. let it be said it did an outstanding job, if there was an oscar for the destruction of the human soul, it'd have been a shoe in. I never had a chance to see the other side of the story. I was already too far lost by then. and I'm really very sorry to the people who had to suffer along side as I went through this. I'm sorry at the pain you felt not being able to help, and at the fear you felt about me and my wellbeing. I wish I could say it was unfounded, but honestly we knew I was on a precipice. and I'm sorry to the other party who had far too much on her plate to want to, or be able to handle my problems as well. rather than be the friend I SHOULD have been and helped her shoulder her troubles, I threw my own problems and accusations right on top.

to those that were there for me, I simply cannot thank you enough. I know it was hard on you, I know that when I'm like this, being a friend is an utterly thankless job. I'm sorry for that, but I'm glad you stuck with me anyway. I would not have survived this otherwise. I know that. I owe you all my life, and love.

things now are...I can't really say. I'm off the ledge at least. I'm battered, I'm still taking on some water, but the sky in front of me is a little more gray, a little less black. I'm not out of the storm yet, but I think now I've got a chance. I won't say that I'll emerge stronger from this, I think there's a point where you're about as strong as you're going to get and some battles just were better off not fought. but beyond this storm, a new life awaits. Things will improve. some things'll change for the better, some maybe for the worse, but the balance will shift overall into the positive, I suspect. and I think I finally managed to get that voice to shut up, or at least drop down to his normal insidious whisper. I'm not100%, but I think I've got a round or two left in me. that being said, please resist any urge to test me on that, or, actually, if anyone wants the job of coming out here and spoiling the hell out of me for a day/weekend I could really REALLY use it. I promise to return the favor another time.
  • Current Music
    Silence

birthday wishes

image hosting by http://www.paintballcity.org/

on another note, the jeep's apperently pumping oil through the air filter and splatering it everywhere...dunno why it's doing that, but I suspect it's going to be very expensive to fix
  • Current Music
    the crack of a soul shattering

Birthdays

so...it's my birthday today. I wish it were a happier time but right now it's just another day.

I'll be on the road for pretty much all of it, so not much going on.
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed

overactive imaginations

sometimes I really hate having such an active imagination. I'm really very reminded of something Crowley said in Good Omens, or at least I think thats where it came from. "Humans do a much better job thinking up horrible punnishments than we ever could" or something to that effect.

my weekend has left me far more confused and frustrated than anything. and my overactive imagination has teamed up with my currently shockingly low self esteem to make certain that it's every bit as confused and messed up as humanly possible to be. the worst part of my irrational brain has managed to drag my train of thought so far into the nonsensical that I no longer have any idea where the reasonable concerns would even be. in the end I'm left feeling abjectly worthless and a failure in pretty much everything there is in life.

My self esteem system has taken a pretty brutal beating this past month or so in particular, I'm honestly not sure what more I can take of it.

I really need a hug.

scratch that, I need a great deal of hugs.

or held tight and rocked like a baby...yeah, that would be lovely.

I aiten't ded

for those who use LJ, well you can tell how often I do.

I don't know if I'll ever post another journal here, it's not that I ever intend to dissapear, it's just that it happens. I've lost touch with some of you, still vaguely in touch with some. maybe for some I left and will never come or be welcome back, I don't know.

mostly I post drawings and the occasional writing, and the occasional insight into myself on my DeviantArt page.

I think I'm usually far too closed, and far too jumbled to really put my feelings out in here. and when I do, it's been so long that there's no context to anyone but those who already know pretty much everything I'm going to write anyway.

for those that want to talk to me, best way is through AIM or Email

Amoryl Wanderer (may be 1 word, I can never remember)

CaptnAmoPants @ Gmail thats a dotter commer there folks

of course If you care to see what I've been drawing lately, you can find me at http://amoryl.deviantart.com/

it's far too late, and I'm really kinda feeling broken right now, so I'll end this journal now.

weird thing from jokergirl

Ground Rules: The first player of this "game" starts with the topic "5 weird habits of yours" and people who get tagged need to write an LJ entry about their 5 quirky habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and list their names.

Right. So.

1)i like to hit on my gay friends (or homophobic lothies) just to freak them out. especially since they all know i'm not into the boy boy love.

2)i am incapable not only of sleeping while there's any form of light in my eyes, but i've found i have trouble sleeping without something (usually a pillowcase) draped across them.

3)i very rarely blink. often going several minutes between blinking, especially when someone is talking to me. i've been told this is somewhat disconcerting.

4)*this space intentionally left blank*

5)i have the tendency to start talking in the middle of a subject without warning. often talking about a subject that had nothing whatsoever to do with the prior conversation. those who know me well have learned that if they wait a bit i'll eventually say what started the thought.

Edit: adding the tags...

juushinkan
frostfire
fairgoldberry
apollotiger
mrlzbth
  • Current Mood
    tired tired

Firefox? fuck you firefox :(

so i turn on my comp and loaded up firefox, good ol firefox. and it spontaniously deleted all my bookmarks. every single one of them. just a total wipe.

apperently this has happened to people. anyone know how to fix it?
  • Current Mood
    aggravated aggravated

feh, fething, fracking, frelling, meh

well now hasn't THIS been a while?

i'd love to stop counting down the last days till i leave my current job, but every time i try it ends up being longer and longer. so to avoid the possibility that i can't give notice tomorrow or whatnot, i've switched days with the asst. manager so he'll work the friday that the owners are at the store, and i'll work his sunday. because it's clear that if i work with the owners at all i'm 99.999....% certain to tell them to go Fuck themselves in somewhere very very sensitive, and walk the hell out of there.

the Bose job fell through, for those of you who even knew i was looking. fair enough, i have a much better oppritunity with Roto-Rooter as messy and smelly as it is. plus when i move back to chicago i'll have a job right away, rather then the chance of a job a month after i get there. now i just have to chase down the hiring guy at roto-rooter and secure a good interview.

which brings me to the other big news some of you might not know yet. I'm moving back to chicago!
yes it's back to the windy city for me (well...about an hour north actually) back to home and friends and actual seasons. at first it was largely because my friend jay could set me up with a job there, not just a job, but an actual begining of a career. as things stand however, if i get the roto-rooter job, i've got much better prospects of a career so things change a bit. still, it's back homebound for me, back to living in chicago for the first time in over 6 years. gods has it been that long? there are grand plans, GRAND PLANS you see. not the least of which is the plan to rent the Palmer house from my sister and her husband/guy. it's a nice little 2story 4bd with i think a bath and a half. but thats not much of an issue. it's got a basement and a back yard, and no neighbors sharing a wall or floor/ceiling! i can have a game room and maybe set up a portable firepit in the back yard, maybe some garden lighting and a fountain with some nifty porch stuff for the long spring and autumn nights. so many plans.

the estimated date is the end of march, nothing more certain then that, sadly. but it's also possible that it won't be till Aug.

so...around nov/dec begins the task of sending random belongings to mom's with a note telling her to expect me in march/aug (i should know by then)

now don't get me wrong, seattle's a nice place, but sadly there's nothing really here for me, and all my friends and family are 2036 miles east. it doesn't help that i havn't found a decent job in the 2 years i've been here. course this possible job WOULD be a good job, but hey, too little too late. besides, i plan to transfer to chicago anyway so it'll be as good a job there.

gah, i've gotta wake up earlyish and call the guy AGAIN. i NEEED to get out of this shitty job like LAST FREAKIN MONTH. bah
  • Current Music
    Idiot Box