because LORD I need it.
some of you know, and some of you don't, but the past month or so, actually somewhat longer than that, but the past month in particular have been rough on me. indeed it was about as bad a time as I've had in at LEAST a decade. everything was battering my defenses, my shields were down, and I was taking on water rapidly (ok ok I'm mixing metaphors...so sue me) honestly I, and several people close to me, were growing quite concerned for me. I seriously wasn't sure I was going to pull through this time.
this may be a bit personal to some of you, but hey it's MY journal and one can cease reading at will...
I've never really had what one would call a rugged self image. through VERY personal issues in my past that I shall NOT get into in detail here, well..suffice to say there's a voice in my subconcious that would dearly love to douse my soul with napalm just to watch it burn. I don't know how much of this voice is directly responsible for quite a few actions in my life that directly lead to it being given an ocean tanker sized batch of pure grade A napalm and a huge box of lite-anywhere campfire matches,or how much it's just bad luck, bad taste, or whatever, but for the most part I keep him mostly chained up where he merely tickles my paranoia nerve and leaves me in a general miasma of minor low self esteem.
quite a number of events happened recently, events that individually would have had little enough effect on me, but taken cumulatively, and with several months of progressive wear on the defenses I have against the voice resulted in, for...about a week now, the complete freedom of the voice who gleefully, sadistically, and very very creatively, wreaked havoc on my psyche. and did so in ways that I'm sure are against the Geneva Conventions.
I realize the little voice is me, I realize that people are crueler to themselves than they could ever be to another. I also know that I am VERY creative in the realm of inspiring self loathing.
this past weekend was a rough time for me. and I know I handled it poorly. the other party involved had much on her plate that I didn't fully realize the scope of it. yes I understood some of it (though not as much as was believed) but I didn't realize how rough it actually was. maybe another time I would have, but hindsight is always 20/20. all I knew was that it wasn't going well. and that voice in my head latched onto it like a starving lion on a weakened wildebeast and wasn't letting go for anything. let it be said it did an outstanding job, if there was an oscar for the destruction of the human soul, it'd have been a shoe in. I never had a chance to see the other side of the story. I was already too far lost by then. and I'm really very sorry to the people who had to suffer along side as I went through this. I'm sorry at the pain you felt not being able to help, and at the fear you felt about me and my wellbeing. I wish I could say it was unfounded, but honestly we knew I was on a precipice. and I'm sorry to the other party who had far too much on her plate to want to, or be able to handle my problems as well. rather than be the friend I SHOULD have been and helped her shoulder her troubles, I threw my own problems and accusations right on top.
to those that were there for me, I simply cannot thank you enough. I know it was hard on you, I know that when I'm like this, being a friend is an utterly thankless job. I'm sorry for that, but I'm glad you stuck with me anyway. I would not have survived this otherwise. I know that. I owe you all my life, and love.
things now are...I can't really say. I'm off the ledge at least. I'm battered, I'm still taking on some water, but the sky in front of me is a little more gray, a little less black. I'm not out of the storm yet, but I think now I've got a chance. I won't say that I'll emerge stronger from this, I think there's a point where you're about as strong as you're going to get and some battles just were better off not fought. but beyond this storm, a new life awaits. Things will improve. some things'll change for the better, some maybe for the worse, but the balance will shift overall into the positive, I suspect. and I think I finally managed to get that voice to shut up, or at least drop down to his normal insidious whisper. I'm not100%, but I think I've got a round or two left in me. that being said, please resist any urge to test me on that, or, actually, if anyone wants the job of coming out here and spoiling the hell out of me for a day/weekend I could really REALLY use it. I promise to return the favor another time.