| long journey...destination reached, mostly |
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| 11:11am 12/08/2009 |
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so 4 days of 10+ hours behind the wheel have resulted in arriving in San Fransisco sometime around 8local time last night. today is my rest and decompress day.
it was a good trip, exhausting, but good. St. Louis was ungodly hot. but I did get to see a very dear and loved friend, if even just for a couple minutes. stopped at the last Motel 6 in the universe that lacked internet access..that kinda sucked. stayed in Colorado with a pair of friends, amazingly good food, great company, and lots of geeky geeky conversations. and chilling out in the pool after dinner. honestly wished I could have stayed with em an extra day, but timelines and such. the trip from colorado to Salt Lake City was pretty uneventful. beautiful country, but nothing really noteworthy good or bad happened. the Super 8 in SLC was pretty decent, very updated. and the lady gave me a AAA discount, even though I don't have AAA. so it ended up being only slightly more expensive than the crappy Motel 6 outside of Topeka. and equally cheaper to the super 8 we stayed in outside of nashville. the trip from SLC to SF was mixed. beautiful gorgeous scenery, mixed with absolutely nothing. but GODS it was hot. we'd get a bottle of water or some assorted beverage, and it was hot within 10minutes, it was lukewarm within about 3-5. I eventually broke down and picked up a styrofoam cooler and tossed everything into that. it might have been smart to have done that in the first place, but hey...live and learn. dindn't end up being nearly the hassle it was suspected to have been.
so...2400 miles in 4 days, I'm taking a day off.
after that it's time to find a place to live, fly back to chicago, get everything loaded up, and fly back with the cats |
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| Great Expectations |
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| 02:04am 07/08/2009 |
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mood:  drained music: Silence
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so...come saturday I'll be hitting the road once more. off to foggy (only sometimes) San Fransisco. and a fresh start on life, or so I hope.
because LORD I need it.
some of you know, and some of you don't, but the past month or so, actually somewhat longer than that, but the past month in particular have been rough on me. indeed it was about as bad a time as I've had in at LEAST a decade. everything was battering my defenses, my shields were down, and I was taking on water rapidly (ok ok I'm mixing metaphors...so sue me) honestly I, and several people close to me, were growing quite concerned for me. I seriously wasn't sure I was going to pull through this time.
this may be a bit personal to some of you, but hey it's MY journal and one can cease reading at will...
I've never really had what one would call a rugged self image. through VERY personal issues in my past that I shall NOT get into in detail here, well..suffice to say there's a voice in my subconcious that would dearly love to douse my soul with napalm just to watch it burn. I don't know how much of this voice is directly responsible for quite a few actions in my life that directly lead to it being given an ocean tanker sized batch of pure grade A napalm and a huge box of lite-anywhere campfire matches,or how much it's just bad luck, bad taste, or whatever, but for the most part I keep him mostly chained up where he merely tickles my paranoia nerve and leaves me in a general miasma of minor low self esteem.
quite a number of events happened recently, events that individually would have had little enough effect on me, but taken cumulatively, and with several months of progressive wear on the defenses I have against the voice resulted in, for...about a week now, the complete freedom of the voice who gleefully, sadistically, and very very creatively, wreaked havoc on my psyche. and did so in ways that I'm sure are against the Geneva Conventions.
I realize the little voice is me, I realize that people are crueler to themselves than they could ever be to another. I also know that I am VERY creative in the realm of inspiring self loathing.
this past weekend was a rough time for me. and I know I handled it poorly. the other party involved had much on her plate that I didn't fully realize the scope of it. yes I understood some of it (though not as much as was believed) but I didn't realize how rough it actually was. maybe another time I would have, but hindsight is always 20/20. all I knew was that it wasn't going well. and that voice in my head latched onto it like a starving lion on a weakened wildebeast and wasn't letting go for anything. let it be said it did an outstanding job, if there was an oscar for the destruction of the human soul, it'd have been a shoe in. I never had a chance to see the other side of the story. I was already too far lost by then. and I'm really very sorry to the people who had to suffer along side as I went through this. I'm sorry at the pain you felt not being able to help, and at the fear you felt about me and my wellbeing. I wish I could say it was unfounded, but honestly we knew I was on a precipice. and I'm sorry to the other party who had far too much on her plate to want to, or be able to handle my problems as well. rather than be the friend I SHOULD have been and helped her shoulder her troubles, I threw my own problems and accusations right on top.
to those that were there for me, I simply cannot thank you enough. I know it was hard on you, I know that when I'm like this, being a friend is an utterly thankless job. I'm sorry for that, but I'm glad you stuck with me anyway. I would not have survived this otherwise. I know that. I owe you all my life, and love.
things now are...I can't really say. I'm off the ledge at least. I'm battered, I'm still taking on some water, but the sky in front of me is a little more gray, a little less black. I'm not out of the storm yet, but I think now I've got a chance. I won't say that I'll emerge stronger from this, I think there's a point where you're about as strong as you're going to get and some battles just were better off not fought. but beyond this storm, a new life awaits. Things will improve. some things'll change for the better, some maybe for the worse, but the balance will shift overall into the positive, I suspect. and I think I finally managed to get that voice to shut up, or at least drop down to his normal insidious whisper. I'm not100%, but I think I've got a round or two left in me. that being said, please resist any urge to test me on that, or, actually, if anyone wants the job of coming out here and spoiling the hell out of me for a day/weekend I could really REALLY use it. I promise to return the favor another time. |
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| birthday wishes |
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| 12:20pm 06/08/2009 |
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mood:  crushed music: the crack of a soul shattering
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on another note, the jeep's apperently pumping oil through the air filter and splatering it everywhere...dunno why it's doing that, but I suspect it's going to be very expensive to fix |
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| Birthdays |
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| 01:17am 05/08/2009 |
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mood:  depressed
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so...it's my birthday today. I wish it were a happier time but right now it's just another day.
I'll be on the road for pretty much all of it, so not much going on. |
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| overactive imaginations |
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| 10:13pm 03/08/2009 |
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sometimes I really hate having such an active imagination. I'm really very reminded of something Crowley said in Good Omens, or at least I think thats where it came from. "Humans do a much better job thinking up horrible punnishments than we ever could" or something to that effect.
my weekend has left me far more confused and frustrated than anything. and my overactive imagination has teamed up with my currently shockingly low self esteem to make certain that it's every bit as confused and messed up as humanly possible to be. the worst part of my irrational brain has managed to drag my train of thought so far into the nonsensical that I no longer have any idea where the reasonable concerns would even be. in the end I'm left feeling abjectly worthless and a failure in pretty much everything there is in life.
My self esteem system has taken a pretty brutal beating this past month or so in particular, I'm honestly not sure what more I can take of it.
I really need a hug.
scratch that, I need a great deal of hugs.
or held tight and rocked like a baby...yeah, that would be lovely. |
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| I aiten't ded |
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| 04:12am 06/06/2009 |
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for those who use LJ, well you can tell how often I do.
I don't know if I'll ever post another journal here, it's not that I ever intend to dissapear, it's just that it happens. I've lost touch with some of you, still vaguely in touch with some. maybe for some I left and will never come or be welcome back, I don't know.
mostly I post drawings and the occasional writing, and the occasional insight into myself on my DeviantArt page.
I think I'm usually far too closed, and far too jumbled to really put my feelings out in here. and when I do, it's been so long that there's no context to anyone but those who already know pretty much everything I'm going to write anyway.
for those that want to talk to me, best way is through AIM or Email
Amoryl Wanderer (may be 1 word, I can never remember)
CaptnAmoPants @ Gmail thats a dotter commer there folks
of course If you care to see what I've been drawing lately, you can find me at http://amoryl.deviantart.com/
it's far too late, and I'm really kinda feeling broken right now, so I'll end this journal now. |
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| Firefox? fuck you firefox :( |
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| 11:10pm 17/09/2005 |
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mood:  aggravated
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so i turn on my comp and loaded up firefox, good ol firefox. and it spontaniously deleted all my bookmarks. every single one of them. just a total wipe.
apperently this has happened to people. anyone know how to fix it? |
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| feh, fething, fracking, frelling, meh |
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| 12:29am 15/09/2005 |
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mood:  tired music: Idiot Box
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well now hasn't THIS been a while?
i'd love to stop counting down the last days till i leave my current job, but every time i try it ends up being longer and longer. so to avoid the possibility that i can't give notice tomorrow or whatnot, i've switched days with the asst. manager so he'll work the friday that the owners are at the store, and i'll work his sunday. because it's clear that if i work with the owners at all i'm 99.999....% certain to tell them to go Fuck themselves in somewhere very very sensitive, and walk the hell out of there.
the Bose job fell through, for those of you who even knew i was looking. fair enough, i have a much better oppritunity with Roto-Rooter as messy and smelly as it is. plus when i move back to chicago i'll have a job right away, rather then the chance of a job a month after i get there. now i just have to chase down the hiring guy at roto-rooter and secure a good interview.
which brings me to the other big news some of you might not know yet. I'm moving back to chicago!
yes it's back to the windy city for me (well...about an hour north actually) back to home and friends and actual seasons. at first it was largely because my friend jay could set me up with a job there, not just a job, but an actual begining of a career. as things stand however, if i get the roto-rooter job, i've got much better prospects of a career so things change a bit. still, it's back homebound for me, back to living in chicago for the first time in over 6 years. gods has it been that long? there are grand plans, GRAND PLANS you see. not the least of which is the plan to rent the Palmer house from my sister and her husband/guy. it's a nice little 2story 4bd with i think a bath and a half. but thats not much of an issue. it's got a basement and a back yard, and no neighbors sharing a wall or floor/ceiling! i can have a game room and maybe set up a portable firepit in the back yard, maybe some garden lighting and a fountain with some nifty porch stuff for the long spring and autumn nights. so many plans.
the estimated date is the end of march, nothing more certain then that, sadly. but it's also possible that it won't be till Aug.
so...around nov/dec begins the task of sending random belongings to mom's with a note telling her to expect me in march/aug (i should know by then)
now don't get me wrong, seattle's a nice place, but sadly there's nothing really here for me, and all my friends and family are 2036 miles east. it doesn't help that i havn't found a decent job in the 2 years i've been here. course this possible job WOULD be a good job, but hey, too little too late. besides, i plan to transfer to chicago anyway so it'll be as good a job there.
gah, i've gotta wake up earlyish and call the guy AGAIN. i NEEED to get out of this shitty job like LAST FREAKIN MONTH. bah |
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| SPOOON! |
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| 10:57am 29/07/2005 |
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does anyone know how to get a hold of Pickles? i've been trying to get into contact with that punk for weeks but he keeps doing a driveby on aim, and i lack his number and e-mail.
pickles, if you're out there, contact me or suffer the consiquences! SPOON muthafucka! |
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| dreaming of dreams dreaming us |
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| 10:50pm 26/06/2005 |
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mood: exhausted music: Family Guy
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so it's known that i have...odd dreams. by and large my dreams are not your normal sane human dreams. though many are quite different, i have some reoccuring themes. for instance, i often have dreams where i'm weighed down hideously. i'm not fat, nor am i wearing heavy items, rather gravity is like 10x stronger on me then normal. dreams like this almost always involve me walking to highschool. and highschool in my dream is 3 blocks away (as opposed to the 4 miles or so it was in reality) the three blocks is used as a reference for when i leave my home 8 hours before school so i can make sure i'll get there on time. yes my entire dream in this case is usually just crawling to school. the other main reoccuring theme is my car having irrisistable momentum. in this dream even if i'm just inching along i could be standing on the brake and my car wont stop. it was like the brakes didn't work at ALL but then i started to realize they did work, but nothing could actually stop my car from continuing in whatever direction it was heading, be it brakes, concrete medians, buldings. i'm never zooming along, it's always like 5mph tops, the car just WON'T stop.
these dreams are fairly easy to understand, or at least i think i do. however it's recently come to my attention that there is yet another reoccuring theme, and that involves running.
by and large when i don't have the heavy gravity dream i have the "fleet of foot" dream where i can run effortlessly at great speed (sic. faster then cars fast) i don't so much run as flow, i'm relaxed and my arms are often either at my side or kinda flowing behind me. this new (ish? i don't know how long it's been going on...
anyway this dream involves running. and when i start running i drop and run on all fours. this particular dream has been happening more and more often lately and i have no idea what it means.
anyone out there know how to interperate dreams? |
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| Kimberly Barnes, i hate you |
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| 06:31pm 18/05/2005 |
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mood:  annoyed music: work music
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OMGWTFBBQ! Kimberly Barnes you are the most lazy stupid customer i've seen in....in...gods i don't even know how long!
i flip over this stupid bint's credit card to look at the sig (as i always do) and what do i see as her signature? the signature that the clerk is to use to compare to what she writes as a security measure?
"KB"
thats it, just two printed letters as her entire signature. what the hell?
so of course i figure, with only two letters as a signature, comparing it with the slip should be easy.
she signs in an illegible scrawl. two lousy fucking letters and you can't even write that neatly. how lazy can you possibly be?
"i'm sorry ma'am but i need to see your ID because YOUR TWO FUCKING LETTER SIGNATURE DOESN'T EVEN COME CLOSE TO MATCHING, YOU STUPID FUCKING COW!"
other then that, my day's gone peachy |
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| random thoughts and statements |
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| 12:49am 18/05/2005 |
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mood: tired music: commercials
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"do you have maple fudge?"
"um...no, we have panuche which is a brown sugar based fudge, but it's not maple"
"in canada they have maple fudge"
"in canada they have socialized healthcare and money that looks like checks, welcome to america"
"so do you have the perma-wedgie?"
"yep! but i hear that after a while you get used to it and don't even notice it"
"my shoulder has problems because i got hit by a car while riding my bike home from work"
"that sucks man, did you get any money out of it?"
"well i replaced my $80 wal-mart bike with a $550 schwin"
"sweet!"
"we're about to ban you from ribbon tying, it's not because they're ugly, they're really very nice, but you're just so slow at them"
"it's true, i'm very bad at all things giftwrapping"
"it's just a manual dexterity thing"
"actually i've got quite good manual dexterity"
"oh, then it must be a mental issue"
"oh great, because we all know i need another one of those!" |
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| Insane in the Membrane |
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| 01:47pm 01/05/2005 |
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mood:  artistic music: 12 Monkeys
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so i'm watching 12 Monkeys again after years and i realize that Brad Pitt does an EXCELENT crazy person. i only wish i could be half as crazy as he pulls off.
in other news it seems that Games Workshop US is moving warehouses or something and instead of shipping my stuff within 48 hours like they say on the website, it's actually more like 3 weeks...i SHOULD be receiving it sometime within the next 5 or so days. ass
but then i need more practice on painting anyway, my Marine Commander isn't coming out as nice as i wish it were. time to delve more deeply into my painting books. maybe tomorrow i'll take my commander and sgt to the local GW store and have them give me some pointers.
otherwise work's been pretty much same ol same ol. nothing new to report there.
there's apperently a new contest at Imp Lit. the prize is less but the recognition is much higher...so it's like bragging rights. now to see if i can pull it off a second time.
plus i still need to write out my Wild Geese storyline, and my IG story. not to mention writing out the most boring story ever on Imp Lit. oh the plans for that one...it'll make your eyes bleed.
plus there's a drawing request that i'd like to shake my pencil at. |
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| though i have no idea what it means |
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| 01:54am 26/04/2005 |
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this seems to be the most common primary. to a greater or lesser degree. i find it interesting that i do not in fact score anything at all in midwest or even upper midwest (am i still from chicago?)
Your Linguistic Profile:
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70% General American English |
20% Yankee |
10% Dixie |
0% Midwestern |
0% Upper Midwestern |
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| 01:07am 20/04/2005 |
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mood:  accomplished music: Trigun on Adult Swim
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wow. recently as none of you will likely know, i joined an online writing community based in the Warhammer 40k universe. for those of you who know nothing about that at all, it's a miniature tabletop wargame involving space marines, orks, chaos badguys, blueskinned aliens, and elves..er...eldar...yeah..no relation...anyway, it's sorta a fanfiction (although i like to beleive of a higher quality and less a direct rip off then your standard fan fiction)except that it rarely actually involves the use of established 40k charecters and is more of a part in a giant universe.
now where am i going with this you both may ask, well i'll tell you. in addition to having a large story archive and having members submit their own works, they held a writing contest called "The Great Big Christmas Contest" which oddly enough ended on march 25th. so given a time limit, and an introductory chapter to set the tone, i decided to put a couple words together and enter the contest.
much to my suprise and pleasure, my first ever submission to the site (indeed to any writing site) won the contest. keep in mind that i don't often write fiction (or anything, except the occasional essay and whatnot) and i'm not as familier on the 40k fluff (as they call the background and non basic rule stuff) as a great deal of the members of the site. but still, it has always been a skill, damn near an ingrained talent, to bullshit my way through things.
so i won the contest, and my reward is 75GBP worth of warhammer stuff, which translates to about $142USD. i picked a space marine megaforce set http://store.us.games-workshop.com/storefront/store.us?do=List_Models&code=302161&orignav=300866&ParentID=214072&GameNav=10 and it should arrive by fri or mon. yay me!
anyone wanting to see what won me the contest, read ahead... ( Cut for Her pleasure ) |
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| 12:31am 11/03/2005 |
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Happy Birthday ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) mrlzbth |
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